Before the Eulogy Project

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Before the Eulogy Project

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Thank Your Parents

before it's too late!

Thanks Mum for

“Taking us to the beach for picnics”

“Cooking such nice meals”

“Being a sounding board for everything”

 

Dr Kate Ballard Warren Fitzgerald

Thanks Dad for

“Teaching me how to fish”

“Wrestling with me”

“Taking me to the cinema to see Star Wars when I was 5”

 

“By the time I got to number 12 I had tears in my eyes” Peter F. (August 1940 – April 2023) South Arm, Tasmania

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"Check out our lists below to get started!" -
Kate and Warren

Why ‘Before The Eulogy’?

Before my Dad passed earlier this year, I had cause to contemplate what he had done for me over the years – all the little things that I took for granted and never really acknowledged with little more than a grudging thanks.

So I set out to list some of these things, which for me was a nostalgic and somewhat eye-opening journey back into my early adulthood, teens and childhood. For me, it was gratifying to know that someone had cared about me enough to do all these things for me – even if he didn’t really show it, like many men of his era. For him, the impact was unexpected – he confessed to having tears in his eyes.

The realisation that gratitude – real, heartfelt gratitude – could have such an impact on a tough old bugger like my dad was earth-shattering – and this is why I am compelled to share my story and the Before the Eulogy Project.

Sadly, my Dad was gone within a year of receiving his gratitude list; however, I found solace in the thought that he died knowing how much I appreciated him. Warren

Why Now?

Because life is unpredictable.

Your parents may die OR you might die. Your parents may get dementia OR you might get dementia.
The eulogy becomes the time when children show true appreciation for their mother or father. They say such beautiful things – words that weren’t always said, while they were alive.

This booklet contains a small selection of gratitude lists written by people (including myself) who had some great results from sending their lists to their parents. It is our hope that these lists will entertain and inspire you to create your own lists. You can find instructions on how to go about this on the next page.
*** Caveat – If your parents have already passed you can still do this. Write down 20 things, go to their place of rest and read it out aloud. Then imagine their reaction.

And if you want to be part of the movement and inspire others, please email us your list:

beforetheeulogy@gmail.com

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How To Make It Happen

  • Start right now!
  • Make yourself a cup of coffee or tea…
  • Grab a pen and paper
  • Sit down in your favourite chair and….
  • Write the list!
  • Write as many as you want then pick your favourite 20 (less is more)
  • Type it out if your handwriting is like mine….
  • Post it to them (don’t email it!)
  • Please email your lists using the submit button above

Get Started Now

If you’re not sure how to start, check out these common themes that have emerged in the lists we have so far….

  • Teaching me how to . . .
  • Taking me to . . .
  • Helping me with . . .
  • Looking after me when . . .
  • Sticking up for me when . . .
  • Sharing your passions, like . . .
  • Sharing your passions, like . . .
  • Cooking incredible . . .
  • Buying me . . .
  • Fixing . . .
  • Introducing me to . . . (theme, tradition etc)
  • Letting me . . .
  • Not being angry when . . .

What people have said about BEFORE the EULOGY

  • #1 “They got a lot of joy out of getting the GRATITUDE LISTS in the mail”
  • #2 “My gratitude was reflected back at me – with interest”
  • #3 “Mum was very teary on the phone”
  • #4 “The hardest part about writing a gratitude list for my mother was cutting it down to twenty!”
  • #5 “I was very emotional thinking of all the things they had done for me”
  • #6 “I realised how lucky I am to have such great parents – but it’s easy to take this for granted”
  • #7 “The added bonus for all of us was the trip down memory lane. Holidays,adventures,movies from the video store and Polly Waffles!”
  • #8 “Gratifying to know that someone had cared enough about me to do all these things for me”
  • #9 “So I believe my Mum felt it.”

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People's Lists

Kate, 53, University Tutor – QLD

My Mum and Dad are 79 and 85 respectively. We have always been a close family, but as they live 8 hours away from me and in another state, I only see them a couple of times a year. Every time I see them, I worry that it will be the last time for one or both of them.

I think they got a lot of joy out of getting the gratitude lists in the mail – they still like getting something in the letterbox! Dad is vision-impaired, so Mum had to read his to him. Apparently, they had a few laughs and a few tears as well; actually, they rang me straight away and Mum was teary on the phone. But we still had a good laugh together about some of the memories my lists evoked.

For me, writing the lists was something of a revelation – I was very emotional thinking of all the things they had done for me, and it was very different looking back as a parent myself. I think it also brought us closer together, especially Dad, who has always been something of a closed book.

The experience was so positive for all of us that I think I will do a second edition!

Thanks Mum for:

  1. Getting involved in the things I did, like roller-skating and riding a tandem bike
  2. Always being at home when I got home from school, except for the time you rolled the Forerunner.
  3. All the nice cakes and biccies you made – and pies
  4. Making an effort to help me with my pimples and making an effort to cook sugar free food to help me with my pimples
  5. Not letting me have orange juice except in the morning because now I really appreciate having it whenever I want.
  6. Being more of a friend than anything else.
  7. Helping me with the kids whenever you could and making yourself into No 1. Grandmother.
  8. Always being so organized which led to me being so organized which led to Lia being so organized.
  9. Crying at all the right times.
  10. Sticking up for me when I slapped Kerrie in the face.
  11. Taking us to the beach and for picnics and stuff.
  12. Constructing custom-made fashion articles for me and doing buttons and zips etc – I really appreciate that now stuff now.
  13. Looking after me when I was sick – except for the time you left me with Danny and Kerrie and I was delirious.
  14. Buying Trixie Belden books for me when I was sick, then having the balls to take them back and say I’d already read them – which was technically true.
  15. Taking me to the nightclub on my 18th birthday and entertaining those Swedish blokes.
  16. Teaching both me and my Lia to cook.
  17. Teaching me to drive and become the best driver ever because Dad was too scared.
  18. Always being a good sport when people dump on you.
  19. Always doing everything you could to help me, my kids and most other people.
  20. Giving me a reason to remember my childhood with fondness and a few nostalgic tears.

Thanks Dad for:

  1. Being so easy-going.
  2. Teaching me to play chess and backgammon.
  3. Entertaining me by falling asleep in the toilet.
  4. Entertaining me by falling asleep on the lounge-room floor so we could do stuff to you while you were asleep – did you realise that?
  5. Always being kind – except to that naughty dog Tiger.
  6. Being friendly to my friends and everyone else, including unsuspecting checkout girls.
  7. Working at a job that you probably didn’t really like so that we could have a good life.
  8. Taking us on Sunday outings nearly every week that I remember, and always holding out for the PERFECT picnic spot, even in the face of our combined impatience.
  9. Continuing to donate your sperm until you created the perfect child (me).
  10. Wrestling with me.
  11. Passing on your superior intellect to me.
  12. Not giving my many boyfriends too hard of a time – and that’s a hell of a list.
  13. Putting up with all my husbands.
  14. Still playing games with me (cards, Rummikub etc) even though you’re an octogenarian.
  15. Getting Mum to read this out to you so she has to work out what to do about the swear-words.
  16. Letting me learn to drive in the family car, even though you were too scared to teach me.
  17. Setting a good example in so many ways – playing games, being kind, being a generally good bloke, leaving a ‘normal’ life to go opal-mining, continuing to do fun stuff in your old age.
  18. Letting me squeeze the blackhead on your chest and peel the skin off your back when you were sunburnt.
  19. Being the best grandfather ever to my kids.
  20. Giving me memories of a great childhood and family life.

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Warren, 47, Writer – QLD

The hardest part about writing a gratitude list for my mother was cutting it down to 20. The way that I was able to do this was to tell myself that I could send her another 20 in a year’s time. Sadly though, she didn’t have another year left in her.

I was grateful to have been able to share with her the great appreciation and admiration that I had for her.

Being grateful came naturally to my mother so her delight in receiving the list was very much apparent.

Thanks Mum for:

  1. Watching me play soccer, in spite of not really being a soccer fan.
  2. Winning $5000 in the Mercury newspaper competition and surprising me with a new set of golf clubs.
  3. Cooking such nice meals (apart from the broad beans)
  4. Creating the most decadent Christmas lunch smorgasboards.
  5. Letting me have Puss and introducing me the unexpected joy of owning a cat.
  6. The old music introduction – Roy Orbison, Buddy Holly,
  7. Operating on my teddy to repair his countless injuries
  8. Buying me the green and gold bag
  9. Playing Euchre with me, even in the morning before school
  10. Playing Game of Life with me, even though you were probably bored after many games.
  11. Making extra roast meals for my visits so that I could have them for breakfast.
  12. Introducing me to braised steak and onions – to this day it is still a Sunday night favourite
  13. Taking me to the Eastcoaster resort for a memorable week.
  14. Rescuing me on the floaty at South Arm
  15. Buying carnation milk for my coffee when I come down to visit
  16. Buying meatlovers pizza when Dad was away
  17. Making my lunch, both for work and school
  18. Doing a bond clean at my place in West Hobart
  19. Surprising me with an Atari for Christmas in 1984
  20. Making our house feel like a real home.

 

Thanks Dad for:

  1. Getting me a motorbike and teaching me how to ride it.
  2. Countless lifts to soccer
  3. Letting me jump on your belly when I was 4 years-old
  4. Building a woodfire at Ripley Rd and keeping us stocked up with wood.
  5. Always having some cold home brew ready for my visits.
  6. Golf clubs and Golf membership
  7. A Job
  8. All the fresh fish and crayfish that you caught yourself.
  9. A big backyard for soccer and cricket
  10. Dusty, our amazing border collie – and letting him sleep in my room!

11. Working hard to buy us a billiard table and a table tennis table

12. Helping me make a boat for woodwork class

13. The old music introduction – Roy Orbison, Buddy Holly, The rovers, Johnny Horton

14. Playing Euchre with me

15. Teaching me how to play snooker – 8 ball – Kelly pool

16. Giving me an Atari for Xmas in 1984

17. Sticking up for me against Jarred’s older, bigger friends.

18. Surprising me with all those last-minute fireworks in South Arm

19. Playing Atari video games with me

20. Building the most spectacular beach house at South Arm, from which I have fond memories that will last a lifetime.

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Sean, 51, Psychologist – NSW

Speaking on the phone to Warren about a year ago, I told him the devastating news of my Dad’s dementia diagnosis. This came on the back of my mother being diagnosed with a different type of dementia several years earlier. Upon hearing the concept of the gratitude list I decided to give it a go myself and I’m grateful I did.

My mother had been sick for years and didn’t seem to fully appreciate the list as I read it to her. Intellectually it was a bridge too far by this stage, but as people who are dying gradually lose their senses like sight and hearing – feeling is often the last sense to go. So I believe she still felt it. The love and gratitude I had for her over all these years was felt.

On the other hand, my dad had only just started showing signs of dementia like forgetting the order in which to make a cup of coffee. Importantly though he still had a solid grasp of who he was and what my relationship was to him. So as I was reading the list aloud to him, he was visibly moved. He said “Sean that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.”

My gratitude was reflected back at me – with interest.

 

Thanks Mum for:

  1. Looking after me whenever I was sick
  2. Giving me perspective to manage anxiety
  3. Always making me feel special
  4. Teaching me the value and rules of logical argument
  5. Paying me $1 when I proved that blue-ringed octopi bite
  6. Sharing your passion for music and tennis
  7. Comforting me when I had nightmares
  8. Buying me a new bodyboard when mine was stolen
  9. Demonstrating how to enjoy one’s own company
  10. Letting me stay at home, rent-free, while attending university
  11. Letting me have a dog
  12. Looking after my cat when I moved out
  13. Teaching me how to drive
  14. Reviewing/editing my thesis
  15. Helping me clean my apartments whenever I moved
  16. Offering to help whenever I felt stuck
  17. Making me a fancy-dress costume for school
  18. Lending me money whenever I asked – without question
  19. Taking me to England to meet relatives when I was 10
  20. Unconditional love, and always on my side

 

Thanks Dad for:

  1. Working multiple jobs so Mum could stay home and raise us
  2. Volunteering to coach my soccer team
  3. Taking me to the cinema to see Star Wars when I was 5
  4. Confronting Mr Geary when he picked on me at baseball training
  5. Training with me to run the Sutherland to Surf
  6. Helping me move house after a break-up
  7. Helping me buy my first car
  8. Wresting with me as a kid
  9. Taking my side on the ‘caravan incident’
  10. Looking after me when I got drunk at the soccer presentation night
  11. Bringing home presents from work trips (eg fool’s gold)
  12. Bringing me home from the North Coast when I was 18
  13. Coming to my university graduation
  14. Providing discipline and structure at home
  15. Teaching me the importance of principles
  16. Staying connected following the breakdown of your marriage
  17. Showing me how to modify my bike
  18. Not being angry when I ‘painted the house’
  19. Walking my dog
  20. Never giving up on me

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Dion, 48, Financial Advisor – TAS

It was great way to show appreciation to my parents for the many things they did for me when I was a kid and also the many ways they continue to add value to my life.

The added bonus for all of us was the trip down memory lane. Holidays, adventures, movies from the video store and Polly Waffles

Thanks Mum for:                                         

  1. 1. Supporting me through all my operations when I was young
  2. Taking me to cubs each week
  3. Not forcing me to wear knitted jumpers when I got older
  4. Making the best chocolate self -saucing pudding
  5. Introducing Thursday pie night @ Wariga road
  6. Always being there for me when at times I wasn’t there for you
  7. Letting me have a pocket-knife
  8. Sending me to a private school
  9. Letting me buy brand name clothes in the holidays and not telling Dad
  10. Spoiling us every school holidays
  11. Letting me spend time with Nan and Pop in the school holidays
  12. Going on day trips to Mount Field and other places
  13. Letting me come and watch your netball
  14. Cooking meatloaf
  15. Always dropping me to places
  16. Letting me explore Wariga road with my friends
  17. Having my back when Dad was angry
  18. Taking us to Magic Mountain and Dreamworld in QLD
  19. Letting us buy Huoncry soft drinks from the truck
  20. Getting fish n chips regularly for takeaway

Thanks Dad for:

  1. Supporting me through all my operations when I was young
  2. Going away in the Bedford van and eating polly waffles
  3. Taking me fishing and letting me lay up the front of the boat
  4. Buying me a bumble bee yellow BMX
  5. Teaching me a good work ethic
  6. Introducing me to home-made Chinese food
  7. Taking us on a trip around Australia and always taking us away at Easter and Christmas
  8. Helping me make our house a comfortable home
  9. Always being available to help fix something
  10. Letting me get a motorbike
  11. Teaching me how to save
  12. Getting me a mountain bike with all the accessories
  13. Always being there to offer advice
  14. Teaching me to list the pros and cons of something before deciding what to do
  15. Teaching me how to fish
  16. Getting me ice-cream from the ice-cream van
  17. Letting me have the empty coke bottles so I got the 20 cents
  18. Taking us on adventures to Southport .
  19. Getting movies from the video store
  20. Having Coullorn Dim sims

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Lia, 25, PhD student – QLD

My Mum and Dad are divorced – but this didn’t happen until I was 19, so I still had a good, stable childhood. We all still live in the same area, and I speak to Mum nearly every day, and I see Dad every week, at least once and sometimes more.

As I have gotten older and talked to more people, I realise how lucky I am to have such great parents. It’s easy to take this for granted, so I really enjoyed being able to show my appreciation for the effort they put in when I was young, and also those that are still ongoing.

I think they really appreciated my effort in putting it together – Mum had tears in her eyes, and Dad was uncharacteristically overwhelmed  – they both gave me big, heartfelt hugs.

The whole experience was really good for me and also for my parents and I think it strengthened our relationship – a win-win!

 

Thanks Mum for:

  1. Making frozen drinks for after school in summer
  2. Taking me to Sydney multiple times a year for sport, even though we didn’t have that much money
  3. Letting me throw my hat at Nan and get away with it
  4. Giving me my own bedroom away from the smelly boys (even though I still had to share a toilet with them for years and trod in their pee every night)
  5. Trying to make everything fair, even though it wasn’t always perfect
  6. Being a sounding board for anything
  7. Picking me up from school because I hated the bus so much
  8. Making sure we didn’t get lost on bushwalks, and always having snacks or lunch
  9. Teaching me to be organized and understanding
  10. Showing me that putting others first is sometimes the best thing for yourself as well, but not always
  11. Doing everything under the sun to try and make my eczema go away – and eventually succeeding
  12. Letting me stay home from school whenever I needed to, and never questioning when I said I felt sick
  13. Having the ability to stay calm (at least externally) in a crisis
  14. Taking us on the most well-planned holidays every year, and day trips on the weekend
  15. Getting us a swimming pool and a nice big yard and a menagerie of pets
  16. Teaching me how to cook and bake, and letting me lick the bowl
  17. Teaching me how to drive, which led to me becoming not only a master driver, but a master driving instructor
  18. Trusting my judgement, even though sometimes you probably didn’t agree
  19. Showing me how to be a good mother, should I ever become one
  20. Never giving me a sister, but becoming a 3-in-1 mother-sister-friend value package

Thanks Dad for:

  1. Helping me collect shells on the beach
  2. Teaching me to ride a bike
  3. Taking me driving to get my license, even though I know you were scared
  4. Tucking me in and saying goodnight every night when I was a kid
  5. Letting me ride on the mower with you
  6. Teaching me how to boogie board and body surf – even though I still can’t really body surf
  7. Working hard at your job to get money, even though sometimes you hated it
  8. Playing sport with us in the backyard (and playing TRL with us now) and running and riding with me all the time
  9. Teaching me how to manage my money and save
  10. Always being up for an adventure
  11. Taking us on holidays every year and making them full of fun, even though we didn’t have much money
  12. Showing me what good music is – loving music, and dancing in front of the big music
  13. Letting me come into your work as a kid, and also as an adult
  14. Lending me money to buy my car
  15. Looking after the house and the yard on the weekends so it was kept nice and we could use it and play in it
  16. Teaching me how to play cricket and soccer
  17. Taking that horse bite on the back for me when it probably just wanted my beanie
  18. Letting me hang out in the shed with you when I was little
  19. Teaching me to enjoy the small things in life, like making a good playlist, or tuna salad sandwiches on the beach

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Before the Eulogy

Wall of Gratitude
I'm Grateful for. . .